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I have another confession

September 7, 2010

I’m falling out of love with my boyfriend.

I just am.

I’m slowly but surely losing any feeling of connection to him.

He’s just not there for me. I don’t mean for me to cry on or anything, but to spend time with.

I thought …things would be different.  We’re not “doing it” because of religious reasons (on his part). But we don’t do ANYTHING anymore. No walks in the park, no going out to eat, no anything.

I don’t believe that he cares about me anymore, I don’t. I sometimes don’t know what to do–I’m so distraught, should I cry or laugh it off or just stay quiet? I don’t believe he considers me in anything that he does, and it hurts my feelings.

I’m lately feeling like I’m just going to break down crying, whether it’s going to happen at home or when I’m out, who knows when? I hope I don’t do it.

I don’t really feel like I can talk to him anymore, because it seems like he doesn’t have time for me except if we’re going to sleep together.

I’m not feeling this…this is part of what I left my first boyfriend over. I know that this is not the type of relationship I am happy with. I’m just so unhappy and it’s just difficult, so difficult.

I’m not an attention-whore, but I think there’s some unwritten rule that says you shouldn’t neglect you girlfriend just because you choose not to have sex!

I’m contemplating a break-up.

I have male friends, and I guess I can hang out with them (and starting this week that’s what I’m doing). But what’s the point of having a boyfriend who’s only serving half his function in relation to you?

Thank goodness, it’s Friday

August 28, 2010

Thank goodness, it’s Friday. Thank goodness, no more train for a couple of days, no one ranting behind me on the bus, no pushing through crowded halls, and no more pretentious fashion–deep breath.

I’m home, and that’s good enough.

I wish I was wandering around and having fun wherever until the sun starts to come up again, whereupon me and whoever my companion was, would head to the closest thing suitable for sleeping, sleep for a few hours, and wake up and have a huge breakfast and plan for another awesome day of festivity. Fantasy, pure fantasy.

I don’t do such fun things, really.  I’m trying to see where my real life, with my other half is going. Lately, I’m just not feeling it. I’ve been pushing away, because I’m on the fence about us. It basically comes down to this being very bland and not fun even on a weekly basis. I don’t feel bad saying this because I can understand people can be boring on a day or two, I know that. But I’ve been monitoring this for a while now and we don’t even do anything together much. If I go out of state with him, it’s not so exciting beyond being somewhere else because it’s all about his relatives or friends each time. I have nothing against family and friends, but I feel there’s no point in me being there.

What else? Well, religion is an excuse not to see me at all really, and I respect people’s religious practices, but I don’t believe he’d show me the same tolerance during Lent, not that I go hardcore during Lent, but still.

My friend, who knows him, perhaps not quite as well as I, called me tonight. He told me we should hang out and that we need to talk about me and my guy, because “we both know it’s not going to work”.

I’m sick of people nosing around my business. I told him that’s not up for discussion. EVERYONE go ‘crach nya’r rass, it’s always people who have not the slightest bit of relationship telling me things. Why, oh, why?

August 13, 2009

So I need a hobby. Besides looking for a job which is sadly my main pastime. I

*Completely off topic. I just think secretive people are silly because their secrets always come out.

You can’t afford me

November 22, 2008

I’m not lonely. I just sometimes would enjoy having something to do on Friday and Saturday nights besides work.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I don’t need to date. It’s so stupid. I don’t think they understand or accept me for who I am. Yes, I have a strong fondness for guys, you could almost call me boy-crazy, but that does not translate into everything I do. It’s one of those things, like if you talk about something a lot you end up not doing it, well it’s like that.

If anyone’s ever questioned it…I do love myself first. Who else would I? Just because I incorporate others into my life or am willing to, doesn’t mean I’ve lost myself.  Just because I am adult enough to show my feelings doesn’t mean I’m a doormat. I guess some people think so and that is fine, I cannot help what anyone thinks about me. I’m constantly evolving, so like it or leave it.

I just want stuff to wind down a bit.

Like people always question and I even used to question how do people do all this stuff without feelings attached, well I know it’s possible, because I now have no romantic feelings whatsoever. I know I used to, but really now, I don’t, and I’m not so sure how long this will last.