Archive for the ‘personal’ Category

I’m lost

September 8, 2010

Totally and utterly confused.

I don’t know what I want anymore. Okay, so maybe I’m lying, I just don’t like that what I want has changed because I met someone who caused it to.

I mean, I never thought I could get so attached to someone, but it happened. Oh I feel sick. This is so not me. I really dislike gushy feelings, but I can’t fight it, they just keep coming.

I just feel like a failure that I became this way. I think that’s why I keep trying to break it off, because I’m scared. As corny as it sounds, I never been in love before and I don’t everyone thinking I’ve become soft.

I feel weird.

Also, I’m don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. I’m upset with myself for falling into this. I shouldn’t have strayed from logic.

I’m also angry with myself because I just still haven’t learned to express my feelings, my true feelings, and not mask them with stupid arguments and avoidance.

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I have a confession

August 28, 2010

So, I just thought about this after reading about someone with bulimia, I had an eating disorder too and it wasn’t bulimia and it was not anorexia.

I used to binge, but I never purged (goodness NO).

Seriously, it started in high school when I gained the freedom to purchase lunch and snacks for myself. I would sometimes not eat at lunch or only eat something small to save money. Then, maybe later after school, on my way home, I’d buy as much junk as my budget would fit and go eat it in my room. A bag or two of 25 cent chips, a cupcake, 50 cent soda. Harmless, right? Well, this habit became more ritualized as time went on, I would save, umm, so I’d have enough to go on a mini shopping spree and buy a bunch of stuff. For the longest I was going to Dunkin Donuts on Fridays and buying a dozen donuts going home and locking myself up just to eat them. I’m not going to lie, they were good, I love Dunkin Donuts. Taco Bell (at the time I could eat it without feeling sick for days) I’d buy some and go lock myself in my bathroom,play music, eat, and be merry. This may or may not have had something to do with ending my high school drinking foray because it did start around the same time.

It was funny because this should’ve made me gain tons of weight, but it didn’t.

I guess some kids did drugs and screwed all during high school and some, like myself, over-ate, in the bathroom, with the door locked, music playing and the occasional bottle of wine or soda. Who knows?

I don’t even know

April 2, 2010

I sometimes worry for myself, about myself, and it’s at the point where I don’t even understand why. I’m just going through and transition in life right now and it’s showing, and I resent that, I wish I could act opposite, but it’s difficult to pretend all the time. I don’t have all the answers, and it’s annoying that people believe that I do or should.

I’m confused, I need a hobby, one which will keep me out of trouble and hopefully away from people. I don’t need people, they’re too messy and they cause confusion. For instance, I should be sleeping at this moment, but am not because of people, rather, person. I’m too easily overstimulated.

I’m going to enjoy being by myself again, I know. It’s is fun when you’re with somebody, I can’t deny that, but it’s overwhelming as well. I need to make a list of activities and do them by myself, the first of which will include going to the NY Botanical Garden because it’s beautiful. But in the spirit of being random, I may just buy a ticket on the LIRR and wander around Long Island.

I love aimless wandering.  ♥

I do declare

March 26, 2010

I’m not seeking a boyfriend at this moment, I’m trying to keep myself in line. I’m going to stay away from older men, I’m so serious this time. I don’t often attract guys my age, thus when I really want a guy I tend to pick from older men because they always seem to like me. Even in high school none of the boys liked me, but men in their 30s and up always tried to talk to me, all types, I remember hating that, till—yeah.

I would like a guy who’s closer to my age.  Older guys tend to be too busy, want to get married soon and have children, and be stuck in their ways, unwilling to change. I don’t need that.

Also if they’re serious I want to see a Tacori  or something great, put your money where your mouth is. Don’t say marriage or commitment to me unless you’re giving me one of those, because until I have one on my hand, I will not be nor act committed to anyone.

I will do as I please.

When I think of you

March 25, 2009

I’m back at it. Dating. Why wouldn’t I be?

I know I initiated the break up but there are several reasons for that. Besides I’m not the same person .

I know I have communication issues, but why didn’t he just be straight up with me?

The odd thing is I’m really not going crazy about it. If that’s the way it is then that’s the way it is.

When life gives you lemons make lemonade. Lemonade shall be made!