I’m lost

September 8, 2010

Totally and utterly confused.

I don’t know what I want anymore. Okay, so maybe I’m lying, I just don’t like that what I want has changed because I met someone who caused it to.

I mean, I never thought I could get so attached to someone, but it happened. Oh I feel sick. This is so not me. I really dislike gushy feelings, but I can’t fight it, they just keep coming.

I just feel like a failure that I became this way. I think that’s why I keep trying to break it off, because I’m scared. As corny as it sounds, I never been in love before and I don’t everyone thinking I’ve become soft.

I feel weird.

Also, I’m don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. I’m upset with myself for falling into this. I shouldn’t have strayed from logic.

I’m also angry with myself because I just still haven’t learned to express my feelings, my true feelings, and not mask them with stupid arguments and avoidance.

I have another confession

September 7, 2010

I’m falling out of love with my boyfriend.

I just am.

I’m slowly but surely losing any feeling of connection to him.

He’s just not there for me. I don’t mean for me to cry on or anything, but to spend time with.

I thought …things would be different.  We’re not “doing it” because of religious reasons (on his part). But we don’t do ANYTHING anymore. No walks in the park, no going out to eat, no anything.

I don’t believe that he cares about me anymore, I don’t. I sometimes don’t know what to do–I’m so distraught, should I cry or laugh it off or just stay quiet? I don’t believe he considers me in anything that he does, and it hurts my feelings.

I’m lately feeling like I’m just going to break down crying, whether it’s going to happen at home or when I’m out, who knows when? I hope I don’t do it.

I don’t really feel like I can talk to him anymore, because it seems like he doesn’t have time for me except if we’re going to sleep together.

I’m not feeling this…this is part of what I left my first boyfriend over. I know that this is not the type of relationship I am happy with. I’m just so unhappy and it’s just difficult, so difficult.

I’m not an attention-whore, but I think there’s some unwritten rule that says you shouldn’t neglect you girlfriend just because you choose not to have sex!

I’m contemplating a break-up.

I have male friends, and I guess I can hang out with them (and starting this week that’s what I’m doing). But what’s the point of having a boyfriend who’s only serving half his function in relation to you?

I have a confession

August 28, 2010

So, I just thought about this after reading about someone with bulimia, I had an eating disorder too and it wasn’t bulimia and it was not anorexia.

I used to binge, but I never purged (goodness NO).

Seriously, it started in high school when I gained the freedom to purchase lunch and snacks for myself. I would sometimes not eat at lunch or only eat something small to save money. Then, maybe later after school, on my way home, I’d buy as much junk as my budget would fit and go eat it in my room. A bag or two of 25 cent chips, a cupcake, 50 cent soda. Harmless, right? Well, this habit became more ritualized as time went on, I would save, umm, so I’d have enough to go on a mini shopping spree and buy a bunch of stuff. For the longest I was going to Dunkin Donuts on Fridays and buying a dozen donuts going home and locking myself up just to eat them. I’m not going to lie, they were good, I love Dunkin Donuts. Taco Bell (at the time I could eat it without feeling sick for days) I’d buy some and go lock myself in my bathroom,play music, eat, and be merry. This may or may not have had something to do with ending my high school drinking foray because it did start around the same time.

It was funny because this should’ve made me gain tons of weight, but it didn’t.

I guess some kids did drugs and screwed all during high school and some, like myself, over-ate, in the bathroom, with the door locked, music playing and the occasional bottle of wine or soda. Who knows?

Thank goodness, it’s Friday

August 28, 2010

Thank goodness, it’s Friday. Thank goodness, no more train for a couple of days, no one ranting behind me on the bus, no pushing through crowded halls, and no more pretentious fashion–deep breath.

I’m home, and that’s good enough.

I wish I was wandering around and having fun wherever until the sun starts to come up again, whereupon me and whoever my companion was, would head to the closest thing suitable for sleeping, sleep for a few hours, and wake up and have a huge breakfast and plan for another awesome day of festivity. Fantasy, pure fantasy.

I don’t do such fun things, really.  I’m trying to see where my real life, with my other half is going. Lately, I’m just not feeling it. I’ve been pushing away, because I’m on the fence about us. It basically comes down to this being very bland and not fun even on a weekly basis. I don’t feel bad saying this because I can understand people can be boring on a day or two, I know that. But I’ve been monitoring this for a while now and we don’t even do anything together much. If I go out of state with him, it’s not so exciting beyond being somewhere else because it’s all about his relatives or friends each time. I have nothing against family and friends, but I feel there’s no point in me being there.

What else? Well, religion is an excuse not to see me at all really, and I respect people’s religious practices, but I don’t believe he’d show me the same tolerance during Lent, not that I go hardcore during Lent, but still.

My friend, who knows him, perhaps not quite as well as I, called me tonight. He told me we should hang out and that we need to talk about me and my guy, because “we both know it’s not going to work”.

I’m sick of people nosing around my business. I told him that’s not up for discussion. EVERYONE go ‘crach nya’r rass, it’s always people who have not the slightest bit of relationship telling me things. Why, oh, why?

I don’t even know

April 2, 2010

I sometimes worry for myself, about myself, and it’s at the point where I don’t even understand why. I’m just going through and transition in life right now and it’s showing, and I resent that, I wish I could act opposite, but it’s difficult to pretend all the time. I don’t have all the answers, and it’s annoying that people believe that I do or should.

I’m confused, I need a hobby, one which will keep me out of trouble and hopefully away from people. I don’t need people, they’re too messy and they cause confusion. For instance, I should be sleeping at this moment, but am not because of people, rather, person. I’m too easily overstimulated.

I’m going to enjoy being by myself again, I know. It’s is fun when you’re with somebody, I can’t deny that, but it’s overwhelming as well. I need to make a list of activities and do them by myself, the first of which will include going to the NY Botanical Garden because it’s beautiful. But in the spirit of being random, I may just buy a ticket on the LIRR and wander around Long Island.

I love aimless wandering.  ♥